FAACTCBSIR, Part 1 - Next Year

Welcome to the First Annual A Chopper To Chipper Braves Season In Review (FAACTCBSIR for short)! Right now the Braves are in the middle of hard fought complete waste of time series with the Nationals, so it seems like an approriate time for the FAACTCBSIR.

I'm Keith Hernandez
This season is the culmination of John Schuerholz's, and Bobby Cox to an extent, "I'm Keith Hernandez!" attitude for the last few years. There's a lot of reasons why the Braves were caught with their pants down this season, and Schuerholz has seemed ready for exactly none of them. Here are some reasons for their decline:

1) The Mets - They spent their shitload of money wisely, and they are easily the best team in the National League.
2) Ownership Issues - The Braves basically don't have an owner right now, so the financial situation is iffy at best.
3) Bullpen - Thought they could find another Kerry Lightenberg after Smoltz returned to the rotation, but then found out it's kinda hard to replace one of the most dominant closers of all time.
4) Starting Pitching - Other than Smoltz and Chuck James, who has been consistent/healthy?
5) Injuries - Chipper has turned into the Nomar of the Braves: He's awesome when he's healthy, but he's only good for about 100-120 games max per season. Also, the entire pitching staff has been hurt.
6) Mike Hampton - Hear that? That's money being flushed down the toilet.
7) False Hope - Trading Wilson Betemit is the worst decision Schuerholz made all year, other than continuing to pitch Chris Freakin' Reitsma over and over again. Willy Aybar and Danny Baez for the best player not starting in the NL? The writing was on the wall when this deal was made. The Braves were done at the end of July, and Schuerholz was the only one that didn't know. It's was clear that this wasn't the Braves' year, with too many teams in the wild card race and the Amazin's dominating the NL East.
8) Pitching Prospects - Chuck James and ...? I will give Schuerholz the benefit of the doubt a little bit here with Ramirez and Kyle Davies injured for the most of the season, but who's coming up in the minors?

Basically, the Braves brass need to realize that this team needs to rebuild they are definitely in the place to do that. Here's what needs to be done:

A. Trade Andruw Jones - I give Schuerholz credit for not trading Andruw during the season because no one was really prepared for it. That said, Andruw needs to be traded to get some top prospects - and I mean, TOP. I hate saying it. I love Andruw. I'm going to name my future pet after him (along with Chipper). He really is a lot of fun to watch when you go to Turner Field, he covers so much ground, it's amazing. Man, he's so good. Okay, maybe I don't want to let him go, but I think it might be best given the Braves' financial situation. *sniffle*
B. Trade John Smoltz - Uggh, this is hurting too much, but it needs to be done. The Braves are going to pick up his option for the next season, and when they are mired in mediocrity again, they should trade him to a contender. Can you imagine how much potential playoff teams will want him? Smoltz, the crazy-ass gay-bashing Home Depot-pimping guy that he is, has been the best clutch/playoff player the Braves have had through this whole run. Who pitched Game 7 of the 1991 World Series? Smoltz. And who just pitched eight innings when four days earlier he strained his groin? Smoltz. Like with Andruw, it doesn't make sense not to trade him.
C. Give Tim Hudson whatever Roger Clemens took after leaving Boston - Seriously, what the hell happened? Hudson needs to either spend his offseason "rehabbing" (coughcoughHGHcough) or coming up with a new approach, like what Glavine did this year.
D. Marcus Giles - The fans love him, but he is a dolt. Have you looked into his eyes? I don't think there's anything behind there. He can't bat leadoff, and Edgar is too good batting second, so what to do? Eh, I'm indifferent with 'Cus. With him being a free agent this offseason, the Braves missed their chance to trade him. Throw in one of the pups at 2B.
E. Take a Walk! - Franky, please, I'm going to have a heart attack - err, acid reflux - if you don't work the count next year.
F. Re-sign Wickman - A good move that really stabilized the bullpen. Wow, a real closer. Who knew that could help? Give him a two-year contract, it couldn't hurt.
G. Lock Up The Youngin's - Give Francoeur and McCann (my boy!) long-term contracts while they're relatively cheap, like what the Mets did with Reyes and Wright and Cleveland did with Sizemore. It'll be nice when Andruw and Smoltz are gone and Chipper is using a cane at 3B knowing those two will be around for another four or five years. Give one to Laroche, too?
H. The Third Outfielder - Assuming Andruw is in center and Franky is in RF, who's your third outfielder? Diaz? Langerhans? Those two are complete opposites: Diaz can't field but can hit; Langerhans can't hit but can field. I'm not a big fan of the platooning - which is why I'm glad Laroche is finally the full-time 1B - so I think Bobby needs to stick with one of them. I'm hoping for Diaz. With the pitching in tatters, the Bravos need runs.
I. Get rid of the Tomahawk Chop and that guy on the Jumbotron - The Tomahawk Chop needs to go. It's really offensive, and the franchise needs to move on. The only benefit of the Chop is that, like Chipper Jones, it pisses everyone off who isn't a Braves fan. Makes for good times. And that fat guy with the bad haircut who does the quizzes with the fans between innings on the Jumbotron? He needs to be fired.

Wow, this became a lot longer than I expected. And this is only Part 1! See you for Part 2 in a little bit...